{August 13, 2011}   any situation where I’m better off than dead

That’s Elliot Smith, for those not in the know. He eviscerated himself as well, although a bit more literally than me…

After eight months of radio silence, my sister called my work today. She wants something from me. That’s standard. Never anything like money etc, cause she’s “successful”. She ignores me until she feels bad about herself- she’s like a puzzle and I’m the only one with the answers. As long as she’s whole I’m useless to her.

So once again I jump on the carousel, grasping for the brass ring that is “good enough”. I know I can’t get there. Even if I am really good enough. Even if I may be better than good enough. i will always be seen as substandard in the eyes of my mother, sister and relatives. It was that way before I took up “horse riding” and it sure as hell is that way now….


Life is so cruel and prejudice exists. It’s hard, but it’s has always been so. Bad thinking will only make it worse. Ignore them and find something you really love doing. Good luck! ^^

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